


Decisions From The Heart

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 10:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19868011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: The more things change, the more they stay the same. As Sam and Al find out in this story from a post-Mirror Image timeline where Sam is home and some things are just meant to be.





	Decisions From The Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published 1996, in the fanzine "Quantum Instability #6: Calavicci's dilemma," QI was a zine where writers were given one short intro and let loose to create stories from it.

Intro:

_"Are you going to do it?" Sam asked softly._

_"Sam, I can't." Al stared at his feet, trying to make the anxiety go away. It wasn't helping. He knew that he was responsible for all of this, that it had been his decision. But now that the time had come, it didn't seem like such a perfect solution anymore. "I can't," he repeated quietly._

_"Al, you have to."_

_"Can't a man change his mind?"_

_"Not about this..." Sam whispered as he turned away..._

"Why not?!" Al demanded to cover his other feelings, holding tightly, almost possessively, onto the item in his grip. They'd have to pry it out of his cold, dead hands...

"You know why, Al," Sam told him in that superior tone Al had always silently hated.

He knew Sam was right. It was a little late to be getting cold feet, but he was powerless to stop the waves of emotion washing over him. As he gazed around the office at the piles of boxes, mouths gaping open as if in silent screams, nausea suddenly overcame him. He sat down on the only remaining chair, his head in hands. He felt guilty about the tone of disappointment he imagined he could hear in Sam's voice. He didn't want it to be there, didn't want Sam to ever be disappointed in him. But that he had no control over either.

When he remained silent, Sam continued, ingratiatingly reasonable. "You've made all the arrangements, everything's set. You can't turn back now."

 _Turn back the hands of time._ The idea was infinitely appealing. Where would he start, if he could? Which of his mistakes could have changed the course of his life if done differently?

Al remembered Beth as she was when he'd married her, glowing in her white uniform which looked so complimentary beside his. It was supposed to be perfect. Then, somehow, duty intervened. But she'd waited, and when he finally came home from 'Nam he promised her he'd never leave her again. And he kept that promise...but in a way he'd broken it too, he realized that now. Now when it was too late. There were always new adventures around the bend, new goals to conquer. So instead of being gone for months at a stretch on a tour of duty, he was just gone for fourteen hours a day.

And when he met Sam... A whole new world had opened up, one so exciting he couldn't resist its pull. Couldn't resist those green eyes either, that spark of life that called to him with a power of its own.

Caught up, he found himself spending more time at Project Quantum Leap than he did at home. Then Sam leaped, and he became observer, on call twenty-four hours a day. His schedule was so crazy that his wife didn't have a prayer of adjusting to it. From that moment it seemed his life was entirely taken up with Sam Beckett (if it hadn't been before). All his energy, devotion, time, was for Sam.

She got lonely, he didn't blame her for that. When the children were small it was different, but now that they were grown it was like those days during the war all over again. When Dirk Simon came into her life again, widowed and retired to New Mexico, she'd introduced him as just an old friend.

Maybe Al should have seen it coming, but he was too busy making sure he was there for Sam. He remembered with stark clarity the day Beth announced she'd been having an affair. That there was another man, one who had time for her. Who was a companion. He'd stood there in shock, his pride wounded and his life crumbling around him. At least that's how it felt...at first. But moments later when Gooshie had notified him of another leap, he'd run for the imaging chamber without a backward glance.

Maybe he should have suspected something then, but he believed what she'd accused him of: using the imaging chamber as an excuse to avoid dealing with their problems.

When Sam unexpectedly leaped home, they were in the midst of long talks and sessions with the marriage counselor Verbena Beeks had recommended. Somehow, Al still wasn't quite sure how it had happened, a decision was made. Now that he wasn't needed as observer, he would retire (finally). They'd move away to start anew. At the time, it seemed the only way to save his marriage.

Now, when his resignation was in and his things packed, when his new life was waiting for him, Al felt as if his feet were cemented to the floor of his former office. He stared around at what was left of this life, just a few boxes, and knew he couldn't leave.

"Beth is waiting for you in San Diego, you agreed that it was the only way to save your relationship," Sam went on, oblivious to Al's current state of mind.

"You really want to get rid of me that badly, huh?" Al surprised himself by asking defensively.

Sam turned that "I'm disappointed in you" look on him again. "How could you think that? I'm only...thinking of you."

"Thinking of me..." Al mused, wondering if he was allowed to do the same. He rose and went over to one of the boxes, sorting through it, picking out a picture of the two of them taken years before, at the party to celebrate the birth of PQL.

_My life is here. With you._

The words were so clear in his head, it was like they'd been spoken aloud. He signed, knowing them for the truth. The reason he didn't want to go was as simple as that...and as complicated. He didn't want to leave Sam.

"I don't want to go," he told his friend.

"I don't want you to go," Sam whispered. "But--"

Al cut in. "When do _I_ get to think of myself?"

"Huh?"

"You did your bit for six years, leaping around helping people. Then you were sent home to start living for yourself again." It was one of the things Sam was working on with Beeks, learning to think of himself and not continue putting everyone else first. "For six years I did my part, on call 24 hours helping you do all those good deeds. Now you've been sprung, but what about _me_?"

"I don't understand...I thought you wanted to save your marriage?"

"So did I," Al sighed, looking at Sam. Poor Sam had no idea what he was talking about. "As I was driving here today, an old song came on the radio, called 'Games People Play.'" He quoted softly, " _Where do we go from here, now that the children are gown up. Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life quietly fading away._ That's what I feel like. Like I'll be spending the rest of my life quietly fading away."

"Instead of going out with a bang?" Sam quipped, a bit of affectionate amusement in his eyes.

"Something like that," Al mumbled.

"Just because you're retired doesn't mean the end, you know. You could do volunteer work, get a hobby -- maybe even something the two of you could do together."

"When did you get your degree in marriage counseling?" Al snapped. Knowing Sam wouldn't let it be, he added, "I guess it wasn't as easy to forgive her as I thought." Was an almost-lie allowed, or was that just in horseshoes?

Sam studied him a moment, the shrewd eyes carefully evaluating. "What's _really_ wrong, Al?"

Instead of answering directly, he quoted a line from one of their leaps. One they'd lived every day of those years together. "Once a partner always a partner."

Sam's eyes widened. "What are you saying?"

Yes, exactly what _was_ he saying?

Al thought he'd wanted to get as far away from that nozzle Dirk Simon as he could. Thought he'd forgiven Beth, realizing his part in driving her into the arms of another man. Wanted to start anew with his wife of thirty one years. But he was wrong. Now that it was time, he knew he couldn't leave. When it came down to a choice between his wife and Sam...Sam won. The knowledge was scary and confusing...but it was undeniable.

In a bold move, Al shed the shackles of his pride and fear, and threw caution to the wind. "I'm saying that when it comes to a choice between you and Beth...you win."

Sam's mouth opened, but nothing came out. He stood like that for a full minute before he seemed to finally find his voice. "What are you saying?" he repeated, then seemed to catch himself. "I mean...are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I know I can't -- physically -- walk out that door. I _can't_." Gauntlet flung down, the move now Sam's.

Sam still didn't seem to know what to say. "Oh," he managed faintly.

All at once, the decision seemed so right. As if life and the leaping were a circle, and they were back where they started. Or where they belonged.

"But Beth is your wife. I'm only...your friend."

As they stared at each other, Al also acknowledged that Sam was much more than just a friend, had been for a long time. What that meant, and where the road would finally lead them, he didn't know. He had his suspicions, but he wasn't ready to graze in that pasture yet.

"I'm staying," he said firmly, pinning the employee badge he'd been clasping the whole time back onto his neon blue satin jacket.

"Okay," Sam said meekly, and without a word they both began unpacking the boxes.

There would be plenty of time later, to figure out what they were to each other. What they wanted to be.

What they were destined to be.

**the end**

1/28/96


End file.
